Hi guys, I'd be talking about something on a more personal level & this might be a super long post so I hope you all choose to bear with me.
I've been in a deep funk lately, for reasons unknown. I'm guessing life just got to me. I kept wondering over & over again if there was anything more to life, or if this was just all there is. I kept beating myself over the head with it, how insignificant I was & how I could've tried harder.
My days kept on dragging by, & it spent all my energy just getting through half the day. My sleep cycles got longer & longer. Soon, it was all I could do to get out of bed. Many days I just wanted to lie there, not wanting to face the world, wishing I wouldn't wake up.
I didn't just wake up one day & said "I'm depressed." It was gradual & I didn't even realize it. I felt like shit all the time. Every action, every smile & laugh was forced, as the days went by I just slowly stopped feeling anything. Months went by & nothing changed. I just buried myself in anything & everything I could find. Only when I did realize something was wrong did I find this constant state of numbness mind boggling. It was strange, almost like a trance. Then the crying came. Every night I'd sit by myself & sob, without knowing why. This would continue through out the night for weeks on end, I was lucky to get a couple hours of sleep. So much hate for myself at this stage, it was both mentally & physically exhausting, being brow beaten constantly.
|I thought Hyperbole and a Half drew this to a T.|
I didn't want to go out with friends or family, I just wanted to be alone. I saw some friends slip away during this period. I couldn't even see happy videos on Youtube without feeling sick. It was complete & utter madness. I had stood up against bullying but in reality I was bullying myself.
Yesterday night I became defiant, something I hadn't felt in so long, I picked a site that I had gone to a long time ago, GivesMeHope.com or GMH for short, I used to go on this everyday for a little pick me up. I went on it last night. I think I scrolled though 50 pages. I cried like a little girl at the end of it. This time it was tears of happiness. I think I made a small step today, I know that I'm not completely happy right now but it'll get better. I'll keep telling myself that.